6 week trial is up!

So, Chris and I did the 6 week trial at Friends First Church- actually it ended up being more like 8 weeks or so cause Chris was away for weeks in the middle and other stuff happened!  Has the 6 weeks changed my view of church?  I don't think so!  But what it probably has done is remeinded me of the many reasons I stopped going in the first place- and it reminded me that not all those reasons were because of the'church' itself.  Some of them were actually cause of me, (shock, horror!  I am not perfect!)

Being in church made me realise how much I desire an intimate relationship with Jesus and how I just ain't there at the moment.  Not that i ond't love HIM, I do it's just taht that clioseness is not there.  And not going to church, well that allows me to hide from the lack of intimacy I have, I can just potter along with Jesus at the rate I want, but being in church challenegs me- sometimes a bit to hard actually!  

So my desision is to keep going to Friends First, at least for a while, try and figure some more life stuff out and get my head around some of the issues I had with church.  Chris has also settled on a similar thing, I think.  Although it's hard to know where this path will lead us as the church is far to far away to be a long term community for us.  But God knows, so we will trust in Him.

6 week challenge

Today we began the 6 week challenge- attend a church for 6 contionuous weeks and try to do it cause we want to not in a begrudging fashion!  We haven't picked a random church out of no where though- we are going along  to a church that our friends have also been attending on and off because they are friends with the pastor and wife from their old home in South Africa.  We like and respect the pastor and his wife but are still unsure about the whole church thing.  God has given us such freddom since we left Empower and we are certain that we do not wish to give this up again.

However, the pastor of the church, Gary, is challenging us thta we are actually acting in fear- fear of being caught up in a bad church again.  I am really not surei- I see what he is saying but I also know how good I feel, and how close to Jesus I feel, by not going to A church but being THE church with friends in our community.  This is why we have taken up the 6 week challenge- we think that one way or another God will speak to us during this time and we will be clearer on the future.

 And so today- week 1- we were moved by the worship.  It is entirely heart felt and although the band may not be of a hillsong calibre they are so sincere that it is pure worship.  They also use an eclectic mix of music which I think speaks of freedom.  I alos enjoyed the sermon, although it was a bit all over the place at times.  But the message of love and freedom was gladly recieved and I liked Gary's way of just chatting with the congregation. 

Chris got called to the front and prayed for in a way that was not flashy or showy.  However, Chris did say that he felt that what Gary said was spot on but that when he prayed he was nudging him this way and that- it was almost like he was trying to get him to fall over.  Chris also felt a contradiction between the message of freedom and then the request for us to stand up and raise our hands at the end of the service in a way that felt most unfreeing.  I also struggled with this end bit of the service when we were supposed to spend 2 minutes with Jesus.  I had felt quite close to Jesus and had been worshiping and had felt God's quiet voice but when this time was directed for this purpose I felt further from God and condemed for not being able to hear God and feel his presence.  This, I suppose, is not the church's fault but something tah is wrong in my theology, but I do not want to go to church if it is going to make me feel bad- what's the point in that?  I feel free and close to Jesus when away from church so why would I go to a place that, whether they are doing something wrong or not, makes me feel bad?

I suggested to chris that he needs to speak to Gary about his concerns cause Gary seems like a pretty open guy who is not easily offended, and maybe I need to take my own advice.  

5 weeks to go- what will you do God?

Does size matter?

For ages I have been anti big churches.  Big churches just seem to naturally go against the authenticity and relational model of church that I am exploring.  Because of their size, big chruches require a highly organised system, which reminds me of business instead of family, and they are often 'showy' in their worship style, building or events.   

I still have my worries but God has been challenging me recently that it really doesn't matter whether a church is big or small.  I suppose by going to so many different churches recently he is asking me to look beyond the fabric of the church and to the hearts and spirits of the people present.  Being small does not necessarily make a church a place of great relationships and I suppose being large does not force a church to loose it's integrity. 

What I have realised though, is that in a big church particuarly, you are never going to get an idea of the people's hearts just by visiting on a Sunday.  In fact I would go so far as to say that in a good large church it is the small groups, (home groups, cwell groups, life groups- call them what you will) that are actually the meetings of church and that Sunday mornings are just a get together of all these 'churches' in a celebration style setting.  You are not really going to get real intimacy with each other when there are hundreds of people around but in well formed small groups deep and real relationships can be fostered.

True relationship and deep intimacy with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and each other are what I am looking for.  And so I keep searching... 

Sunday morning

This morning I did a 5.5km run in the city with a friend instead of going to church. Does it matter that I didn't go to God's house? I think not!! I don't think God would crae! More than that I think God would be proud of me for getting fit- for looking after his 'temple'. And for me, God's awesomeness was very pressent this morning. His beauty was reflected in the amazing morning, the river and the scenery. He was present in the people, who, may not have known him but are still His creations. He was present in me and I needed him this morning!!!!! I'm not going to give up every Sunday morning to go running- I don't really feel like I worshipped Him for all he is worth but all I am saying is that perhaps it really is OK to see Sunday as something other than 'go to church' day!

(and as an extra- 5.5km in 38 ish minutes- yeah for me!!!)

Missed breakfast

I think too much! I really do...

(Someone really should have told me about daylight saving kicking in...I missed breakfast)

What to do?

'...people discovering life together as the renewed people of God.'

That seems like a good place to start with what a church is supposed to look like. But what does that look like? Really it could look just like any church, as long as the relationships and the community come first, (before the programs, the politics and the buildings). The problem is, when you join a new church, how do you become part of the community, especially if you already have your own community away from the church. I suppose, if you really wanted, over time you could form relationships and integrate yourself into the community. Sometimes that works, other times it feels, the whole time, as if you have forced yourself on to people and that whilst they 'love you in Christ' there are no real relationships being built.

And anyway, do we really have to join a new church? In my case, I already have an amazing Christian community around me and we are definitely, 'discovering life together as the renewed people of God'. In fact, I am part of two of these groups, with whom we meet to pray, talk and eat once a week or so. Isn't that 'doing church'?

The problem for me comes when I start being future looking. The great command was:
'Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you'
So theoretically, if I am doing my job right I should be bringing people to Christ. Once I have done that, they should become part of my community, (assuming I was in relationship with them before they came to know Christ), and therefore the small community I am in now will grow.

When anything grows, it begins to need structure, leadership and more space. At that point it begins to look like a tradition church again. Now, as I explained before, I don't mind being part of a traditional church if it is done the right way, but, somehow, for me, it is loosing its integrity and the whole reason that I choose not to go to church in the first place. Maybe I will be happy and in community, but what about these new people that come along, couldn't they feel exactly as I stated at the beginning of this post, ('...as if you have forced yourself on to people and that whilst they 'love you in Christ' there are no real relationships being built.')?

And just as a final paragraph, wouldn't it also be fair to assume that my friends and I, who were in the original group, would become the leaders/ elders/ pastors of a church like this, (because we were the ones with the vision)? I'm not sure I want that. I'm not sure my friends want that either. It's one thing to meet up as a small group of friends, quite another to run a church.

So I am back at the beginning, go along to a church full of people I don't know and force my way in?....mmm...

And then I read this...

'This passage should be very familiar to anyone who's ever been a part of redefining church. Often it has been used a blueprint for the ‘ideal church’. The argument goes something like this: “Acts 2 is virgin church, unblemished by 2000 years of schism. It is church at its most zealous, most Spirit-filled, most connected and unified. If only church could be like it was during those times…” and so on. For the last 20 centuries the church has struggled to recapture the simplicity and synergy of this genesis.

But what if Luke never intended to set a standard for ideal church? He probably would shudder at the attempts made to reproduce this short account. So why do we continue to try? Why are we convinced that if only our churches could grasp the ‘principles’ outlined in Acts 2 all of our problems would be solved and we’d uncover some sort of ecclesial-utopia?...

Into this Ephesian and Gospel context (“take on an entirely new way of life - a God-fashioned life,”) the words of Acts 2 emerge in a completely different light. I want to suggest, to make an argument perhaps, that what was described in those few verses had nothing to do with a model for ideal church or much to do with church as we know it at all. Instead, I think Luke was reporting to his friend Theophilus how the Holy Spirit was teaching the first community of disciples a new way of life. He was not describing once-for-all activities for the institution of church, but speaking of people discovering life together as the renewed people of God.' 

(http://whatischurch.com/old_site/this_way_of_life.htm)

...and it makes me look at Acts again in a whole new light!